Helep! Sisi dem wan finish me o!!


So person no go talk again? Se una still remember dat tory wey I nack una di order day say Oga Sanwo-Olu wan send me go America? Hmmmmm, di ting don turn to anoder ting o.

Since dat day wey di tory come out, man no rest again. Na so, so call dem dey call me since den.  Di call wey I no wan receive, dem go quick, quick wire me sms. And all of dem na sisi. Tori Olorun!

If na only Lagos sisi dem, I for try cope small, but dis one na sisi dem all over di world – black, white, yellow, red, blue – in short, orisirisi sisi dem. Na only God know how dem take get my number.

And di one wey pain me pass be say, dis my torch light phone don hear nwi. Na so di small battery wey dey for inside di phone dey quench per second, per second. Di ting don tire.

Make una follow me read some of dose sms:

“My beloved Oga MAT, congratulations for being chosen by Governor Sanwo-Olu to go on training abroad. You truly deserve it, you've been very consistent in your chosen trade which is taxi driving. More grease to your elbow. But please, as you go to America, know that there’s somebody, a sophisticated lady who is dying for you. I wish you will marry me on your return to Nigeria.

Yours in love,

Mariam,

Kaduna.”

“Oga MAT my sweetheart. I was so moved by your story of the plans by Governor Sanwo-Olu to sponsor you on a course overseas. That is wonderful. Let me confess to you today, I have been your secret lover since the first time you started telling the world your sweet stories of your day to day experiences as a Lagos taxi driver. Your stories are both romantic and entertaining. That’s why I’m in love with you. I can assure you that the two of us will make a sweet couple. Remember me while you are in America and always.

Your darling,

Busola,

Challenge, Ibadan.”

“Oga MAT my guy, you be my personal person wey I don dey follow tey tey but you no sabi. Dat America wey you wan go so, we must go togeder. So tell Oga Sanwo-Olu say e must to prepare two passport and visa for di two both of us. I sabi your language and I sure say you sef sabi my own. Wafi na my land and wen we jam, I go make sure say you fit break di pigin scatter ground. Use dis my number call be make we yarn proper.

Calista

Warri, Delta State.”

“Would you be fine if I call you my honey? That’s exactly what you are – my honey. I’m a Black American living in Texas. I have been reading your very interesting stories. I picked up pigin when I came to Nigeria on holiday five years ago. I will be waiting for your arrival here in the U. S.  I will make sure your stay in the States will be memorable. I have everything it takes to make you comfortable and wish you will remain here and not return to your country. Alternatively, you will take me to Nigeria as your wife. But first, promise me you will divorce Bose.I will take care of you and your two daughters – Bisi and Funke. I love you so dearly Oga MAT.

Best wishes. Kisses.

Jennifer.

Texas.”

“Oga MAT my love, I am a Ghanaian girl and I like the stories you have been churning out, even though I don’t quite understand pigin but I have a Nigerian neighbour who always interprets your write ups. You are a genius and I would like to know you more intimately. Will you take me along to America? What a lucky man you are! I so much love you.

Theresa,

Takoradi,

Ghana.”

“My Oga MAT, dat America wey Oga Sanwo-Olu wan send you go so, you must carry me o. If you sabi how much data I dey buy put for my phone just to read di sweet, sweet tory wey you dey nack, you go pity me. I been marry before, but since dat dey wey you talk say you wan go America, I push my husband go one corner because I must follow you go America. I get six pikin for dat my husband, but dat one no mean. Wen we land for America, me and you go dey send money go Naija for our nine pikin dem. E go sweet me well well to be your new bride. I swear!”

Your bride to be,

Ngo Baby,

Onitsha.”

My people, di sms pass 1,000. If I lie, make I stand naked baf for bafroom.

Na only di one wey I fit show una for here be dat. How man pikin go take escape dis kind wahala?

See me see troublem. America wey I never even get passport sef. Olorun Oba o!

Make we jam again on Friday.

Tank you.

Tank you very much.

And tank you very, very much indeed.
Mc Ebisco
Mc Ebisco

Okay NA

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